I've been grinding through Book Two for only about a month now, but it feels more like a year. Perhaps, that's the lack of sleep talking. Or maybe, it's because today, for the first time, I went back and looked at everything I've accomplished these last twenty something days.
I guess I couldn't see it before.
...Back when I was overcoming my own personal grief.
...Back when I was scarfing my $5.89 sandwich down to lock myself in my car during my one hour break while at work to squeeze in some writing.
...Back when I would stay up all night editing and then slap myself in the face with coffee to go do my "other job" for the day.
...Back when I began to lose faith and confidence in myself as a result of my first "true" heartbreak.
...Back when I was chasing drinks nearly every single day at a bar (alone), contemplating whether what I thought I could be would ever be enough.
...And back when the only thing I could think of as I closed my eyes each night was, "Am I really going to break my promise to the very person who brought me into this world?"
What the hell is 'adversity'? What the hell is 'struggle'? Oh, I'll tell you:
It's something that can either kill you, or wake you up. And I'm begging anyone that's reading this right now, to choose the latter.
I'm not going to sit here and pretend things are easy... because they're not. And I'm certainly not going to sit here and pretend that, right now, in this exact moment I'm breathing, I'm where I want to be in my life...
...Because I'm not.
Yet, one thing I can't pretend... one thing that's been waking up next to me each day... is the simple fact that I'm on my way to forging the life, but most of all, the type of person I want to be.
"Why do you spill your emotions when you write?"
Honestly, I don't know. I think that's a good thing, though. I don't need to know. I just need to keep going and, like my mother once wrote to me on my 18th birthday card, "Always work hard and put forth your best effort in all that you do - it will pay big dividends for you."
We're all searching and fighting for something. I just hope and pray, every single day, that the result of what I'm doing right now is going to help a LOT of people. Someday.