Since I'm about to go underwater until the 26th, for the sake of my own survival/ inner sanity, I figure I should take a longer breath... and, yeah... less selfishly, I should probably leave a longer note on here too.
Question - What happens when you're so close to something you've been chasing your entire life?
I've been asking myself that a lot these last couple of days inside of my head. Probably because I've been threading together the final pieces of Book Two's story too, so, in a way, it's sort of synonymous.
I technically wrote the final line of Book Two today (in my notebook) and while I won't actually WRITE that line until next Friday... it's all beginning to sort of 'hit me'; so to speak.... And then, as I laid down the schedule for the next 12 days - I finally saw something other than emptiness on the horizon - I saw the fact that besides the obvious editing... I'm done.
Everything from that point won't be up to me anymore. Some of it will, but the part that REALLY matters? The part where people get lucky and, quote unquote, make it? Yeah, that part is finally not going to be in my control anymore...
...and that both excites and scares the hell out of me.
Nearly one year ago, on May 20th 2016, I finished writing my first book. Now, one year later, here I am on the brink of finishing another one.
It was also a little over one year ago where, admittedly, I went through one of the most personally challenging times of my life. I always thought that the second you finished writing a book, there would be something 'liberating' or 'freeing' about it. I think I expected that just because I poured blood, sweat and discipline into something for years and years of my life that it warranted me 'getting' what I 'want'.
...It just doesn't work that way. I'm sorry, but it really doesn't. Cold facts.
It's one thing to have a dream. Then, it's an entirely different thing to go AFTER a dream. And THEN, when you go AFTER a dream and don't GET where you want to be IMMEDIATELY - well, you have to dig deep inside and ask yourself: "What the hell is the piece I'm missing? What's stopping me from getting there?"
After a few of the lowest lows of months I've had that, I can honestly say, trump even the worst days of that cancer still being around... I decided what that piece was that I was missing... the one thing I needed in order to form the catalyst of my professional career... and above all, my dream itself.
The answer was obvious... one hand was full, yet the other, was not. I knew that to be taken seriously by any publishing agency, I needed to have TWO BOOKS completed... not just one. Especially, to prove that I know where I am going with this series.
Hey, enter the last few months of my life...
I've been isolated all on my own, for the most part. I chose to move from California to Colorado in order to help my family by being closer to them. And yet, also sacrifice something in the process... something that I know is all still there. It's just difficult, especially given the challenge of what this month holds to me, to always see.
My life. My friends. Everything I built... well, it's all back in California. It's not GOING anywhere... it's all still there - the support. The love. The silent cheering of my 'family' reinforcing that I'm doing exactly what I need to do for the future right now.
...but, being away from all that? I'm human. I know I lost my mom over nine years ago. You don't think it still hurts, though? You don't think sitting through Mother's Day yesterday by myself when I could have normally driven over to a friend's house was easy? No, it absolutely sucked. And do you think that the anniversary of the day everything changed being only 12 days later will make it any easier?
Of course, not. I don't need it to, though.
I've thrown everything I have into writing this second book. So, I may as well go through everything while finishing it too. I knew when I made this lofty goal for myself - when I discovered that THIS was the piece I needed to have - that doing this would probably knock the freaking wind out of me a few times.
...I guess I didn't expect it would push me this far... but, maybe, just maybe - that's going to ultimately push my writing to a whole new level too.
I'll play parrot's advocate and say it again - I'm human. And yet, everybody sees me smiling or chanting out positive words. I'm not stupid... I've seen the other side of the coin. I'm not blind to what life can be. How many things that are unfair that happen every single god damn day - I'm not blind to that.
But, I can't think about that stuff. I can't think about, "what if I fail?" or "what if the last two years of your life have been all for nothing?"
If I stopped and thought about that stuff, I wouldn't have made it this far. And I'm not letting things I can't control stop me in a moment where there ARE things I can control.
These next few days... everything I write, I just want it to be my best. I want to end this book in the best possible way because the next part of my journey...? That's going to be something I'm going to need a lot of things to go my way for. So, to counter/prepare for that, I'm giving everything I've got in the window I have at the here and now.
I just want everything I've sacrificed having in my life to chase after a dream not to fall short. That's a real fear. That's a real, 'holy crap is he writing this' fear. But, I've got to embrace it. I've got to embrace what I'm scared of and just go all the way under.
See you when I take the next breath,