Week 13 - Journey To Book Two

Hey there,

So, admittedly, reality sort of sunk in this week. And no, it wasn't the fact that I'm now officially working on the LAST act of the book... but, rather, that I looked ahead at what I have left.

...The timing is crazy. I divided up the remaining chapters and it just so happens that the day I will finish/be done with writing happens to be Friday, May 26th - the anniversary of the same day my mom passed away.

I don't know how to exactly feel about that, speaking honestly. I think it's liberating in a sense that such a huge weight and burden for my future will be exorcised on a day that will always mean a lot to me. Hey, that's cool. And certainly something I didn't plan that way, but I'm glad it happens to fall underneath a day like that. I cannot deny that's special and, perhaps, bigger than me in a sense.

And yet, on the other side of the coin, I don't know sometimes. I mean, I'm here 9 years later, and this month still manages to kick the shit out of me. Mother's Day is the first hurdle. And then, just a few days later, that. I hate sympathy. I hate pity. And believe me, I'm not writing this because I'm sad... I'm not.

I haven't been in a long time.

I guess, more than anything, I just wish I had my mom by my side for times like this. It's selfish. It's stupid. But, it's human, I think. I want her to read what I wrote and chime in with a British accent, "Oh Kyle, this is WONDERFUL. You're going to be such a bloody good writer." I want to throw back some sarcastic comment or wit and have it be challenged back. I want to have that aura of support around me when I need it most.

Look, I know I have it. I feel it. I see it - in my own eyes, at least - and that's enough for me. But, on early mornings like this... I just wish things could have been different. I wish cancer didn't win. I wish I had more time to make more memories. And I guess that's honestly the concrete reason WHY I'm always wearing my heart on my sleeve every day. I know damn well that tomorrow isn't a promise...... so, I give everything I have to people at the here and now. Once again (see the pattern), it's stupid. It's exhausting. Yet, that's who I am. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

The same goes for writing. I'm going to keep that in mind especially over the course of these next three long weeks. If I can just find the resilience right now to hit the reset button every morning and come back with everything I exerted the day before on the page... then, I know I can do this. The problem is that a bright light tends to burn out fast, so I'm often afraid that I'm going to wake up one morning and it just won't turn on anymore.

I'm overthinking this. I need coffee. I'm back in attack-mode tomorrow. Assassin mentality, blah blah blah. Let's just go.