"I think I was numb to it last year."

I don't know where I'm going when I begin writing sometimes.

It's nothing forced. It's not writing for the sake of saying, "I wrote something today." No, sometimes I just write because I feel compelled to let my voice rip onto the page. To let my passion take over and roll the dice on what appears when I look up one hour later...

...This is one of 'those' days.

Lately, I've been pondering that people might look at me in a lot of ways... they might see me as a kid with inhuman optimism, contradicting the series of obstacles I've had to overcome in my past footsteps. Or maybe they see me as some asshole wearing his heart on his sleeve for the rest of the world. Whatever corner you're in... I'll say this:

I'm just being me. No show. No gimmicks. I just want to get 'there' by being me the whole way. I know people will either love me or hate me along the journey. But at least I'm being honest. At least I'm still Kyle.

For most of my life - I have to admit - I've been pretty scared about a lot of things. When cancer infects your house when you're 14 years old; kinda hard not to see the world that way. And yet, that's a huge part of why my love for writing has intensified to the level it's currently boiling at now: that was my outlet. My punching bag. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is...an empty piece of paper was a place I could go to get away from reality and... well, I just kept doing it. So much, in fact, that I literally felt like I was a different person in those moments.

...I called that version of me, "Kyle Lionheart" - the brave contrast to the lamb that is, Kyle Lambky. And shit... here we are.

I've had a million thoughts on my mind lately. The finality of another year poisons me with that reflection... and the sprinkle of losing another friend definitely heightens the things I've been seeing when I try to close my eyes at night. Still, despite this pain inside; I feel like this is all going somewhere special.

And having that mindset around this time of year, honestly...? Pretty unreal for me. The holidays are usually the time of the year I struggle with the most (silently) and for some reason, I'm waking up feeling like this is the chapter where the story gets good.

I was numb to it last year. I don't think I am anymore, though... maybe this is what it feels like to finally be awake.